I don’t really know how to put all this in, but, I ask that to anyone who reads this, to please boot be harsh or judge. I’m just someone, awake at 4am, looking for hope. Please…and thank you for reading.
I have a question to ask the trans* community, but I feel there needs to be a bit of context first. (Also, anyone in the same boat I am, or has gone through this, I’d greatly appreciate your thoughts and advice along with trans* persons.)
At around springtime of last year, my chronic depression became unbearable. I can’t even begin to describe the dark, lonely, crippling depths I was in. Soon after, I would stop eating, be in a lot of pain literally everywhere, disgusting amount of weight gain, and would sleep over 18+ hours a day. And don’t even ask about showering-it was too much work, and no matter what I did, ate, drank (or lack there of) everything, and I mean everything was soul crushingly exhausting. There’s more, too. Brain fog so bad I basically had to give up writing because I could remember this or focus, and don’t get me started on remembering what was said 5 minutes ago. And Christ Almighty, the dissociation….
But, none of this was seemingly out of the ordinary. The brain fog was probably to blame for not seeing the symptoms, but, it all just seemed like the new top score for depression.
Long story short, some sinus issues forced me to see a doctor, and he found an issue straightaway. In short, I had hypothyroidism. When the results came back, I asked my doctor to not use pandering speech and just tell me straight how bad off I was. Well. Two weeks (give or take) left to live. I had to quit my job, and stay in bed for the foreseeable future.
“Cool story bro, why do you need trans* people to weigh in on the sob story?”
Well, hormone treatment has been….brutal, to put it lightly. None of the meds seem to be working, but I’m on day 3 on another medicine that has been the only one that’s ever worked for my family.
But. I know hormones are tricky, whiny little snowflakes if you even dare sneezing in their presence. They flip out, so your body does too. This I know. And I also know the constant meds shuffle hasn’t helped.
But, to trans* people’s and those who’ve had thyroidism….is there hope? For trans*, yes, I know our situations are leagues away from each other, but what we share is hormone therapy.
I can barely eat because I’m in a constant state of the worst nausea I’ve ever had. (probably TMI, but if my body wants to reject something by way of throwing up, trust me, it doesn’t wait for nausea. So this is a bit new for me.) I’m horribly moody, and more. So for those with thyroidism and/or trans* people, I have to ask if it gets better.
I won’t claim to know what hormones therapy is like for trans* folk, because I don’t. (But I am curious if they have some of the same side effects I do) But I just was thinking it’s all hormones in the end. Different hormones, but hormones all the same.
I don’t know anymore, about anything. It’s been a rough ride, and I’ve left out a lot of details, but, I’ve wrote out the pertinent information.
Does it ever get better? Easier? I’ve been dry heaving for two days, and it’s to the point where I’m having issues sleeping at all. And so on. I guess…. I’m just looking for someone who knows what hormone treatment is like will just tell me it won’t always be like this. That it’ll be okay.
Anyways, thank you for reading my probably stupid pity party. I hope I haven’t offended anyone, I never meant to, im just looking for some hope. But if I have offended anyone, please tell me so I know better next time, please and thank you.
